We'll dance the rigadoon, just me and the moon.

I can put my own self to bed.

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 06:20:06 GMT

When I am cold, I cover myself. When I am hungry, I provide and eat with my own two hands. When I am lonely, a book is companion enough. I like that about myself. Even beyond, I respect that about myself. There are times when others pout, puff out their lips and moan about a lover never had, or a body secured that suddenly snakes away. Warmth can be generated within. The more we steer astray from that belief the trickier it is to summon that fever by ourselves, instead of relying on the handy spark of another to lend us heat. We are capable, yet make ourselves to be defunct. We are a complete system, yet we swear there are parts missing or irreparably wasted away. We are dependent. And in being so, we are limited- or maybe just denied.

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 23:53:11 GMT

He's still sucking everyone's dick on the side. Swallow it up.

So It Is

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 23:12:01 GMT

I can parry a blow like any man that has waded in loss. Then I met the sucker punch. Now I am on my knees with my mouth open. This time it's not for you though. Inhale.

I miss Amber...

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 23:16:29 GMT

Lately things haven't been right. I have been sad, angry, upset, confused and all the other shit that falls in between. In the midst of all this a grand friend of mine Amber has been extremely patient and generous. I am sorry our hangout time has been put on hold Amber. It's not a good feeling not seeing you every other day like we used to. Everything will go back to normal I assure you. I have just been so unmotivated. I miss so many things right no: Andres, my old self, the past, school and the list continues. You're an amazing friend, person, and LOVER (EH!? yeah?!). I mean, without you there would be no gruesome twosome. Speaking of which I was playing around with that nickname and out of that light-hearted fiddlin' I came up with Grossome twosome. Tell me what you think. I mean we both hate ourselves and find our looks rather disturbing...it just fits. I am quitting smoking Amber, so I think you should too. God, I never knew I was addicted lol, until these past few days when I get irritable when I don't have one. Well. I think I have squeezed this entry for all it's worth. For closure's sake. I miss you Ambnifa, Am-boo, Am-bone, Am-burglar, Am-boob, lamber!

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 09:30:00 GMT

I'm a changed woman! I go to college and immediately begin to feel superior to everyone around me, even my friends, though I'll make it appear as if we're really on the same level so I don't come off like a condescending person. You would think that once everyone has kindly told you that sometimes you step out of line you would not just fold your ears, and possibly take the time to learn from what they were saying. BUT NO. You must be on the defensive. The fact is that you never listened, just feigned to. You're not as understanding and empathetic as you want others to believe. You're cold, bitter, and nasty. I don't know if the past has fucked you over that much, but you sure don't seem to mind being an absolute bitch to those who have always been there for you. You don't need anyone though. I keep forgetting. Silly me. You dish out so much fucking shit and expect people to just take it. Swallow it up. Come time for you to get your dose and you act as if the world has turned against you and you let the blood boil in your veins. You are self-righteous. You are selfish. You are violent. You are everything that you say you hate.

GGGRRRRRTTTTT!

Thu, 19 May 2005 17:30:00 GMT

Yes, it's about time for one of these meaningless things.

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Real Quick

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 12:31:17 GMT

This part of Alanis Morissette's song "Perfect" reminds me of myself, and what I say to myself...a little too much, it's almost creepy.

Perfect

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Insomniac Entry...+ Banana Blitz

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 12:15:54 GMT

So I have yet to go to bed yet, which is to no surprise since I pulled the same thing last night. I really have no clue how the internet can occupy so much of my time when really I only do four things: 1.) Chat it up on AIM 2.)Check my myspace 3.)Check e-mail , just to see if anyone sent me a myspace message/comment/friend request/blog opinion and 4.)Masterbate to gay porn at either gaymoviesnow.com, Shockinggaysites.com, Gayvideotgp.com, Gaybeef.com, welovecock.com, proxy.com, addictedtocock.com and so forth. Somehow before I know it it's six o' clock and I hear the distant shuffle of the beetle's feet in the living room arousing the bunny from its slumber. I just got back from Einstein Bagel co. with my mom. I asked the mamager Kim about a job and since I am out of school she said I just need to fill out an application (but she didn't have one at the time). If I get this job, not only will I have money to do things that I have been wanting to do (Shoot up Heroin, get drunk (more), party till half of my brain doesn't work, and shop), but I can eat all the bagels that I could possibly fit into my small, yet amazingly vast stomach.
On a more petrifying note, I get to visit David next month. After I get my oral surgery and give myself some time for recovery, I will be flying to Pennsylvania to meet up with David Everett Meshaw. I have mixed emotions about the visit. What bothers me most is that I am afraid I won't get comfortable around him since I am so self-consious. Sure, the possibility of him being a twenty year old serial killer can cause me to fret, but mostly my ugliness and how he will see me plagues my mind the most. He makes me feel great and alive, so I should just go with it and for once not worry (Hakuna Matata Brad...Hakuna Matata). I guess flying by myself is a bit frightening as well, and with that atop of knowing I am going to lose my virginity, sometimes it becomes overwhelming.
A lot as been on my mind lately (Besides just plastic surgery). I look back and wish I would have joined some kind of club or group in middle/high school. Chorus would have been fun and maybe if I started young I could actaully sing...too late now. Drama is appealing, but I am sixteen, temporarily out of school and when I start going to SPC it will be too nerve racking to try and become associated with the programs that they offer. I have so much in me that has yet to be discovered and maybe I can get out more and start letting people know who I am (an ugly, talentless homo). If only I had more courage. If I did I could make things happen for myself instead of always just staying back and shyly accepting others'
compliments. If I believed them myself then I would have done that, but the rest of me says that people lie and they always seen to want to lie to me to give me false hope that I am something special. All I know for sure is that my stepdad is a beetle, I am quickly losing motivation, and Amber's sister is dead. That's it! GOODNIGHT!

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 08:42:49 GMT

I just walked out into the kitchen at 2:30 in the morning and my mom farted.

I'm disgusting

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 04:24:13 GMT

I'm ugly and need a nose job (at least).

WOOT WOOT LATE NIGHT AND WRITING

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 10:03:14 GMT

So, somehow after being drunk tonight I was meditative and came up with another GGGRRRRRTT poem to post. Hey, as long as I am writing, I really don't care if it's no better than feces, I am still excersizing my cranium!

Tuesdays

Tuesdays are made for poetry.
When pillows beckon those back to ruffled beds
and floors cool themselves to unwelcome the crashing of clumsy feet.
As Monday fumbles then conceeds, a new day tucks in
the last, darkening window panes and hushing eyelashes back to their jutting lovers.
Like Sunday's path, where dread flares and fizzles, Tuesday's blues huff and sigh to the
robin's crys at breaking day.
Time trickles down collasping chests, and tunnels through weary limbs to plant
the lull of dusty thunderstorms and the letup of tin roofs battling April's heartbreak.
Tuesdays are made for poetry that swells to the singe of sidewalk crossings
and folds to the mellowing buzz of dismal speckled nights that blanket city scapes.
Where moods are bent in the shape of the down-hearted and are kept until out of mind's gutters they are
cast to shores littered with mermaids' seaweed scales.
Tuesdays are made for poetry that slides down the tongue and drips to the chin,
and for Wednesday's early crickets that chrip of faint wonder for what Yesterday could have been.

Grrt Survey

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 07:56:21 GMT

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Brad "My grandpa is dead" Stahoski
Birthday:	August 24, 1988
Birthplace:	Tampa, FL
Current Location:	SEMEN-hole FL
Eye Color:	Blue, like the waves in the ocean.
Hair Color:	Brown, Blonde, Caramel, and Red.
Height:	6' nigger.
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right (switch handed when masterbating)
Your Heritage:	Cherokee indian/ white
The Shoes You Wore Today:	AE sandals- (Me thinking they will make me hot lol so not working)
Your Weakness:	Arm wrestling
Your Fears:	Huntsman spider...and their tap dancing skills
Your Perfect Pizza:	Meat lovers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Get a job.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"GGRRRRT!"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Is it even morning anymore?
Your Best Physical Feature:	Lips?
Your Bedtime:	3-4. Sometimes Jerry Springer will come on and I will bend the rules a lil'
Your Most Missed Memory:	Getting drunk with Ashley and Melissa and pretending to be heterosexual.
Pepsi or Coke:	COKE..aine
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	Orgies
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla...only because it reminds me of my only lost love.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	Socially
Do you Swear:	Only at my mother and other people I don't care about.
Do you Sing:	To myself.
Do you Shower Daily:	HAHA, of course not.
Have you Been in Love:	Nope.
Do you want to go to College:	Yes.
Do you want to get Married:	If I could, but God hates homosexuals and forbides them to get married in the Bible...he...he
Do you belive in yourself:	No
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Usually not
Do you think you are Attractive:	No
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	My mom
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yeah, sometimes.
Do you play an Instrument:	The air flute.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	I'm an alcoholic, I have an IV in my vein that constantly feeds me vodka.
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yep.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	No
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yeah
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	...
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Tried that on Melissa's birthday and it tasted like feet.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Yeah :( by Sean Thomas
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Too ugly
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	DUH!
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes...but it's not my fault, I mean they just had to ask for a BJ!
Ever been Beaten up:	No
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes
How do you want to Die:	Sky diving with Tippy as both of our parachutes fail to open.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Writer.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland?
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Green
Favourite Hair Color:	Multi-colored
Short or Long Hair:	Doesn't matter.
Height:	6'1 or taller
Weight:	26 pounds
Best Clothing Style:	Trendy
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Seven...excluding pot
Number of CDs I own:	approx. nine
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Too many to count.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Writer's block broken?...Maybe or maybe not

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 07:29:01 GMT

So after a few months of not writing anything I finaly wrote tonight. I am not particularly fond on this poem, but I am not really fond of any of my poems at that. I am just glad that something came out tonight. Well I have no title for it yet, but that will come along later I suppose. I have a headache right now and just want to get this post over with.

Sad like midnight I find you,
With forest faces that cling and fall to the
roll of my tongue. Beneath pretty puddles,
we will meet and form at the drop of each ripple,
until the calm resonates all the way to the very tips of my toes.
I can set us a sky and borrow some tree tops that sparkle with wings painted white,
or if dawn chases us from bungalow to stream I'll nudge it with my nose and color it black so it loses it's way. We can go barefoot, with fallen acrons looped around our necks, and sticky nectar on our lips to make kissing that much sweeter. And when they call us stupid or childish we can pin pink lilies in their hair and waltz them to the edge, because the busy meadow has blown its horn and our clothes look better belonging to the earth under the willow's laments. But if the nature begs us go so it may sleep in solitude then we'll tip-toe out with waving hands and curled magnolias nestled behind our ears. We are crazy and free and the moon just a skip away. We are young and alive and tonight the yellow glow looks too lovely dozing on your cheeks to be left for space alone.

The Castle Cancelled

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 16:41:16 GMT

Last night though disappointing was equally as entertaining. The original plan was to go to The Castle, and that continued to stay the plan until Ryan became overly angered at remarks Amber was giving him in the car and drove all the way back after we were half way there. It sucked so bad. Amber was furious, Ryan was venting his anger by laying on his horn to some Cadillac that I'm sure niggers owned, since they were following us with evil intent, until of course Ryan gave it some gas and lost them. It was about 12:40AM when we got back to Amber's house and we were just going to take Amber's car and have fun dancing the night away, BUT big papa Kervahn had to awake and take Amber's keys because she was emotional. So here we are, all dressed up, money already invested in buying alcohol with no chance of following through with out beginning intentions. We weren't just going to let those Sparks slowly lose their cool so we drank and drank and turned out frustration into the perfect time to get out all the grief and confusion that the previous two weeks had given us. The best thing about the conversation was that it wasn't all negative. There were moments of sadness and questioning, but Amber and Linda were able to keep a cheery disposition, though I'm sure the alcohol had an influence on that. Amber and I were curled up in a blanket and kept warm while her mom reflected on her father and how he was a good smaritan. I think it drew everyone closer together. I would give up any day of going to The Castle to enjoy the company of Amber and her mom the way I did last night, and that is the truth. When Linda was driving me home at about 5 in the morning she put on Shania Twain and ask if I knew/liked her music. Little did she know I just happened to go through a country phase in the ninth grade and knew most all of the lyrics. Driving, singing Shania with Amber's mom was nice. She started crying a little and as I got out of the car she put her hand on mine and thanked me for being Amber's friend. It felt great knowing that it meant so much to her that Amber and I are friends.

grrt

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 01:57:36 GMT

GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT!

PORN FOR EVERYONE!

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 07:43:36 GMT

So me and Melissa just got done watching a 32 minute R kelly sex video. Let's just say it gave me reason to live. Seeing R Kelly pee on the underage girl not only gave me a stiffy, but also pulled Melissa and I together. The second video which was short yet entirely sweet was entitled "anal bi-sexual poop man." In it "poop man" engaged in some exhilerating shitting. I couldn't have asked for better.

My favorite Disney song...Amber's too

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 22:33:14 GMT

All I can say is that I relate to this song, even though I have legs and live on land.

Artist: The Little Mermaid Lyrics
Song: Part Of Your World Lyrics
ARIEL
(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl(boy)
The girl(boy) who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's(he's) got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters(sons)
Bright young women(men) sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

I'm ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

We all want to be a part of something, am I not correct?

Paying respect.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 08:47:22 GMT

Today was rough. I attended Jalia Marie Kervahn's funeral with family and friends. It stirred up some old emotions that still lingered from when I went to my grandfather's funeral last summer. Losing a grandpa at 87 and losing a sister at the age of 24 are different. We all were expecting for him to pass on. He worked in the coal mines, used to smoke 2 packs a day and couldn't go a few hours without relaxing his lungs with his nebulizer. Jalia was still young. Her skin was free of wrinkles and liver spots, her walk wasn't plagued with a hunch from years of crouching over, and her family sure wasn't ready to see her leave. It was premature and if you are religious then pre-determined as well. If I ever lost a sibling, regardless of our multitude of petty tiffs and aches from tossing hurtful words to eachother out of anger, I would be devastated and utterly lost. They become a part of you, they take on the same characteristics of yourself. It's times like these that I wish I still possessed an ounch of faith to cling to. It is more comforting to believe that a loved one is waiting somewhere intangible to those still living, then to picture them forever out of touch. When I lived with my father I would pray every night. I would pray for my family to drift together just they had apart, and sadly enough pray that somehow I would be instilled with faith in the being that I was praying to. There are guidelines to being saved, and clearly I have overstepped such guidelines. It doesn't matter much to me anymore, I am happier being called immoral then salvaging morality at the expense of who I am. I am at peace even with death being at hand and questioning in play. Although at times I feel unloved and unwanted, I know deep down it's untrue. Seeing a funeral home packed with people wanting only to pay last respect to a woman they grew to love and appreciate is both somber and eye opening. All I can say is that I am ready to start living. Jalia may not have that chance anymore, but through her I am sure many people today have been given some enlightenment as to what they are set here for and why keeping your heart at beat is more than just a burdensome task. I can't keep seeing people come and go, it hurts too much and I don't want to be one of those persons who leaves when in their prime. Nothing is waiting for me, and as scary as that may be, it just gives me more incentive to quicken my pace in the direction life was meant to push me.

Back to life.

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 01:22:33 GMT

Fuck you
Fuck your relationship
Fuck your selfishness
Fuck your intentions
Fuck your lies
Fuck your false attraction
Fuck your feelings
Fuck your annoying ass "I love yous"
Fuck your stupidity
Fuck your hollow sincerity
Fuck your incentive
Fuck your emotions
Fuck your happiness
Fuck your phone calls

Basically go fuck yourself!

Quizes Quized Quizes!

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:30:03 GMT

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love
restrained.

PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

who the fuck is mod?

You are a Mod. Yeah baby.

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
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What Common Breed of Dog Are You?
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Brainless nonsense! CRAZY!

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 06:03:45 GMT

From my good friend Ashley Lynd... Cum on your back? correct?

Are you one of the 3 P`s? (Poser, Punk, Prep)
What do they call you?
When is your cake-day?
What color are you feelin`?
What grade you reppin`?
What`s your favorite song?
You are a ViRGiN =)	TRUE
You are in l0ve <3	FALSE
You are:	YOURSELF! - Yes, you are N0T one of the 3 P`s. GO Y0U! You have your own style and personality that is impossible to label! There is not one word that can describe you. All there is to say is...NEVER CHANGE.
You are a true:	Player...enough said =D
You like:	Hanging with friends - Unlike other people, you have friends who understand and care about you! They may have let you down a couple times, but nothing can come between your strong friendship!
One of your go0d qualities is:	that you are Sweet! Everyone notices how kind you are to others, people love being around you =) You brighten everyones day!

This QuickKwiz by lil_mmm - Taken 83271 Times. </a>

New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

You are a Cocktail

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?
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You're nothing, really. But you're nice.

What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Paper Bag. You are a dreamer, and you have
the image of your perfect guy set in stone in
your mind. You also like doves. Or do you?

Which Fiona Apple song are you?
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Different Fiona Apple Quiz

You're I'll Know!

Which Fiona Apple Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Ariel. You're idealistic, wistful, and
determined. You crave companionship and love.

Which Classic Disney Movie Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

...I am a nerd

And my rambling rolls on.

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 07:28:46 GMT

It's so hard to give up on someone that you care about. There is a thin line between what makes me happy and what each night crushes you. I chase and chase and still find myself in the same spot yet feeling, foolishly enough, a little closer, and little more at ease. I try to make myself come off cold and unwelcoming but deep down I want to emulate exactly what I feel inside, which is, light-headedd and maybe just a little more warm than what I used to be. As soon as I tell myself that the pursuit is over, make it concrete in my head, my insides have already twisted and turned in the opposite direction. I have always been a rational person. I use logic, I work things out in my mind before acting, I think before opening my mouth. That once made sense. Why use your heart when doing so makes yourself emotionally and mentally unbalanced? I guess the thrill of wavering with uncertainty has with time given itself more appeal than languidly couting fingers with preciseness. Give me a tingling of the skin over a numbness of inspiration any day. Still as exciting as it may appear, as new and unexplored as it may be, I still take it as a drug that like the rest wear off all too soon, and give an uneasy feeling when you come down. I want my next drug to breathe, blink, move, and stay in my system and mind as long as want it to. For once I want control over something, and maybe I will obtain that if I don't give up when beginning attmepts weigh me down. Sooner or later buoyancy will be given, it just has to.

But I know every rock and tree and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a name.

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 18:24:55 GMT

Last night was depressing, but I am glad that out of it something came. I feel so hopeless at times and when I believe I have the capacity to love I find myself doubting whether that is such a good idea in the first place. After getting off the phone with Quentin I sought consoling from my sister, but of course she was out with a boy toy and threfore I was left to linger alone with my own feelings. I decided that I should make the best out of what I was feeling so I picked up this journal I got for Christmas and headed out the door. I started walking down the narrow do not enter street and bid hello to this weird homeless guy carrying a bag of mysteries and at that moment felt a little less estranged from others around me. I came to the conclusion that people are themselves at night. Why hide yourself when no one else is there to see you? Usually I am scared of the night, but last night I felt more connected than anything else. I walked to the Country Kitchen parking lot and found a bench to sit on and smoke a few cigarettes. As much determination I had to let my pen do all the speaking I ended up observing more. I never have the chance to just see things from a different perspective. There are so many people out there and each one is unique. At the time this baffled me, but I realized it was OK, because some things need not understanding rather they need to be accepted and let be. Walking back to my house I didn't take any of the shortcuts. Why rush? What am I even trying to get to so fast to begin with? There's a time to be content and complacent, and there is a time to be alone and contemplative, and I think now is my time to love. Maybe not love myself, maybe not love my family completely, but find love in something, whether large or minute. All this time I thought that all the love was sucked out of me but I guess I was just smart and tucked it furthur inside for my own self-comfort. I pushed it furthur and furthur back as the years went by. Instead of feeling forlorn when my dad left I just stored away that part of me and let out a little more animosity, it wasn't lost just a little misplaced. So now as I open up I am heaving up some of this stowed away emotion and finding it hard to know exactly what to do with it. I don't want to waste anything anymore. I hate wasting. I hate being so unsure. For now I am going to wait and see in which direction my new accompanying feelings take me. Whether in the right or wrong direction I care not because I have made my fair share of mistakes and when it comes down to it, I have learned and am and willing to fuck up again to learn some more- something I need to know more now than every before. I am prepared now to start anew and attempt to mend things in the past that have so greatly affected me in the present. Maybe I'll call up my father and tell him that I still love him or show some sign of forgiveness for the guy that did used to make me laugh when I was younger. Only time can tell and right now I have time, and it feels great...it really does.

The Castle

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 22:53:45 GMT

Last night was pretty crazy. Although Amber and I's initial plan was to arrival at The Castle at 10 we ended up getting some sparks from Haine's convenient store (where a ghetto ass nergo had to hollaback at Amber, thank God I was in the car and could hear him ranting and raving about Amber's fine ass after she went inside) and then we went to John's to pick that cool kid up. When we got to The Castle I ended up seeing Jerome Sprool (excuse my butchering his name) in line as well with this one girl who I guess at one time attended Dixie as well. Once everyone eluded the front man with our not-too-authentic I.D's we headed for the dance floor, my favorite spot of all. Seeing as my bladder was bulging with Sparks (an awesome alcoholic energy drink) I went straight to the bathrooms, and much to my surprise I saw Keisha waiting in line, yes Keisha Joe's ex-girlfriend, Ashley's once enemy. I acted excited to see her and she was so drunk she didn't even know who I was at the time, all she could muster up to say was "I am so drunk", at that I told the friend she was with to take care of her, and continued with my quest to pee on a urinal cake. The rest of the night was full of dancing, up and off the stage, but I had to get up on the stage when they played my song, the best song in the world, Ciara's 1, 2 step! Everytime I go there it seems like the night ends too soon, this could possibly be due to the fact that I am always drunk; regardless I wish the nights could be extended. After we left the club and said our goodbye's John, Amber, and I had our own little adventure outside Tampa...we always find SOMETHING to do. It was 4:40 by the time Amber and I got to my house and she had class in the morning. When the alarm clock sounded at 7 AM Amber turned it off and slept in, missing her first class, and I got up and ate ALL the turkey lunch meat my mom bought the previous day and passed out again. Today Quentin called me up after school and said he wanted to hang out at 3:30 so I got dressed just to find out that he fell asleep and therefore was not going to hang out with me. Instead of waiting for hours for him to wake up I decided to walk to the tanning salon and wash away my sorrows with damaging UV light...fifteen minutes of skin-scorching bliss. Now I am back home, thinking that maybe Quentin will call from Caprice's and if not, no big deal I guess I'll make plans with some other friends. Life's a bitch, BUT I'M TAN SO WHO THE FUCK CARES!!! Me and Mel Bell are hanging out latter on tonight so hopefully mi madre will hand over some cash so we can go out to eat and walk to the mall.
Oh yeah, the walk back from the tanning place was extra scary compared to Yesterday's. There were so many disgusting men just staring at me, slowing their trucks down to get a better look and then blasting their horns...I didn't know what to do so as my natural defense mechanism I put a V up with my two fingers and stuck my tongue in between...for some reason that had an adverse effect.

T-SHOOZ

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 03:15:10 GMT

Yesterday I actually got something accomplished. Amber spent the night at my house, and in the morning she drove me to SPC so I could take my long and drawn out practice G.E.D. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but once I saw how easy it was turning out to be I just focused on getting out of there and into a nice, comforting, cancer-causing tanning bed. on The science section I missed two, the first math section I missed none, the second math section I missed two, and on the language I missed one. I have to go back and write the essay that is required when scoring the complete language section which is worth a total of 1600 points. I guess the lady was impressed or something since retards come in a miss a lot, but I really wasn't proud of myself, maybe if I would have missed none at all I could have given myself a pat on the back; for now I just keep the gun pointed down my throat. It was pretty fun walking to the tanning place. The whole time I had my MP3 player and I was walking to the beat of the song that was on so I probably looked a little funny to cars passing my by, but WHATEV! It's a little scary walking along the road. There are always trucks that beep at you and almost everyone stares...if only they would realize that I in fact am a male with long hair rather than a female with a slightly manly face. Regardless the walk ended and I came out of Tan Mirage a new tanner person, yet still uneffected in the whole looks/smarts department. Last night Amber crashed at my place again, and I was supposed to go to SPC in the morning to get everything wrapped up, but I was just too tired and I ended up sleeping until 3:40PM (I am very goal-oriented). You may ask, Brad why wake up at such an EARLY time when you had the rest of the day to sleep and dream, well it was Mrs. Leer, the crazy mother of Quentin Eugene Leer who happened to ruin my life with her call at that precise moment (not exaggerating, she runied my life, after that call my grandma died and Tippy got hit by a car). She was wondering where her little boy was, but I had no clue. Now it's 10:00 and I am waiting for that cunt-rag Amber to come over so we can go to The Castle to get our dancin' on! I am not sure if we are going to make this Thursday night bash a routine, but I sure hope so. Speaking of routine, Amber why havne't we visited Ian and hardxcore Jessica at IHOP lately? Yeah, we really need to work on that one.
On a much lighter note, I have recently been receiving many uplifting messages from my love interest Jim from myspace. Oh how that guy can go on and on about his father and how he used to beat him and throw him out in the sun knowing full well that young Jim had a skin condition that did not permit him to be out in the sun too long, resulting in 3rd degree burns.Hopefully one day he will visit me from Olympia Washington so i will finally know if he is truly mentally handicapped or just has a faulty keyboard...I pray on the first one.
This weekend should be fun. I talked to Melissa and she wants to hang out, as for what day I am not sure, but either way we always have the best time making fun of people and mocking them behind their backs. Me and Amber are hanging out Saturday night and Quentin said he wanted to make plans with me some day during the weekend. I only added this part to make it seem as though my schedule is packed full of events concerning friends, when really that all will probably last two hours and the rest of the weekend will be spent watching T.V (The surreal life, Celebrity Fit club, and Battle of The Sexes), and teasing Tippy, which we all know never gets old since I always win due to my weight precentage over hers.