| I can put my own self to bed. |
[19 Oct 2006|01:26am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
] |
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music |
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The hum of my air conditioner |
] |
When I am cold, I cover myself. When I am hungry, I provide and eat with my own two hands. When I am lonely, a book is companion enough. I like that about myself. Even beyond, I respect that about myself. There are times when others pout, puff out their lips and moan about a lover never had, or a body secured that suddenly snakes away. Warmth can be generated within. The more we steer astray from that belief the trickier it is to summon that fever by ourselves, instead of relying on the handy spark of another to lend us heat. We are capable, yet make ourselves to be defunct. We are a complete system, yet we swear there are parts missing or irreparably wasted away. We are dependent. And in being so, we are limited- or maybe just denied.
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[21 Jul 2005|07:48pm] |
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mood |
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PISSED |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Bjork- I'm a slut whose heart was left in Columbia |
] |
He's still sucking everyone's dick on the side. Swallow it up.
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| So It Is |
[09 Jul 2005|07:51am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
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music |
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I Sit On Acid |
] |
I can parry a blow like any man that has waded in loss. Then I met the sucker punch. Now I am on my knees with my mouth open. This time it's not for you though. Inhale.
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| I miss Amber... |
[04 Jun 2005|07:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
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music |
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The Cardigans- Love Fool |
] |
Lately things haven't been right. I have been sad, angry, upset, confused and all the other shit that falls in between. In the midst of all this a grand friend of mine Amber has been extremely patient and generous. I am sorry our hangout time has been put on hold Amber. It's not a good feeling not seeing you every other day like we used to. Everything will go back to normal I assure you. I have just been so unmotivated. I miss so many things right no: Andres, my old self, the past, school and the list continues. You're an amazing friend, person, and LOVER (EH!? yeah?!). I mean, without you there would be no gruesome twosome. Speaking of which I was playing around with that nickname and out of that light-hearted fiddlin' I came up with Grossome twosome. Tell me what you think. I mean we both hate ourselves and find our looks rather disturbing...it just fits. I am quitting smoking Amber, so I think you should too. God, I never knew I was addicted lol, until these past few days when I get irritable when I don't have one. Well. I think I have squeezed this entry for all it's worth. For closure's sake. I miss you Ambnifa, Am-boo, Am-bone, Am-burglar, Am-boob, lamber!
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[01 Jun 2005|05:15am] |
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I'm a changed woman! I go to college and immediately begin to feel superior to everyone around me, even my friends, though I'll make it appear as if we're really on the same level so I don't come off like a condescending person. You would think that once everyone has kindly told you that sometimes you step out of line you would not just fold your ears, and possibly take the time to learn from what they were saying. BUT NO. You must be on the defensive. The fact is that you never listened, just feigned to. You're not as understanding and empathetic as you want others to believe. You're cold, bitter, and nasty. I don't know if the past has fucked you over that much, but you sure don't seem to mind being an absolute bitch to those who have always been there for you. You don't need anyone though. I keep forgetting. Silly me. You dish out so much fucking shit and expect people to just take it. Swallow it up. Come time for you to get your dose and you act as if the world has turned against you and you let the blood boil in your veins. You are self-righteous. You are selfish. You are violent. You are everything that you say you hate.
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| GGGRRRRRTTTTT! |
[19 May 2005|01:28am] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
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music |
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Tori Amos- Siren |
] |
Yes, it's about time for one of these meaningless things.
Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results | Warmth | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Intellect | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Emotional Stability | ||||||||| | 30% | | Aggressiveness | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Liveliness | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Dutifulness | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Social Assertiveness | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Sensitivity | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Paranoia | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Abstractness | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Introversion | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Anxiety | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Independence | ||||||||| | 26% | | Perfectionism | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Tension | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)personality tests by similarminds.com
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| Real Quick |
[24 Mar 2005|07:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 slightly dazed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Alanis Morissette- Perfect |
] |
This part of Alanis Morissette's song "Perfect" reminds me of myself, and what I say to myself...a little too much, it's almost creepy.
Perfect
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
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| Insomniac Entry...+ Banana Blitz |
[24 Mar 2005|06:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Leann Rimes- We Can |
] |
So I have yet to go to bed yet, which is to no surprise since I pulled the same thing last night. I really have no clue how the internet can occupy so much of my time when really I only do four things: 1.) Chat it up on AIM 2.)Check my myspace 3.)Check e-mail , just to see if anyone sent me a myspace message/comment/friend request/blog opinion and 4.)Masterbate to gay porn at either gaymoviesnow.com, Shockinggaysites.com, Gayvideotgp.com, Gaybeef.com, welovecock.com, proxy.com, addictedtocock.com and so forth. Somehow before I know it it's six o' clock and I hear the distant shuffle of the beetle's feet in the living room arousing the bunny from its slumber. I just got back from Einstein Bagel co. with my mom. I asked the mamager Kim about a job and since I am out of school she said I just need to fill out an application (but she didn't have one at the time). If I get this job, not only will I have money to do things that I have been wanting to do (Shoot up Heroin, get drunk (more), party till half of my brain doesn't work, and shop), but I can eat all the bagels that I could possibly fit into my small, yet amazingly vast stomach.
On a more petrifying note, I get to visit David next month. After I get my oral surgery and give myself some time for recovery, I will be flying to Pennsylvania to meet up with David Everett Meshaw. I have mixed emotions about the visit. What bothers me most is that I am afraid I won't get comfortable around him since I am so self-consious. Sure, the possibility of him being a twenty year old serial killer can cause me to fret, but mostly my ugliness and how he will see me plagues my mind the most. He makes me feel great and alive, so I should just go with it and for once not worry (Hakuna Matata Brad...Hakuna Matata). I guess flying by myself is a bit frightening as well, and with that atop of knowing I am going to lose my virginity, sometimes it becomes overwhelming.
A lot as been on my mind lately (Besides just plastic surgery). I look back and wish I would have joined some kind of club or group in middle/high school. Chorus would have been fun and maybe if I started young I could actaully sing...too late now. Drama is appealing, but I am sixteen, temporarily out of school and when I start going to SPC it will be too nerve racking to try and become associated with the programs that they offer. I have so much in me that has yet to be discovered and maybe I can get out more and start letting people know who I am (an ugly, talentless homo). If only I had more courage. If I did I could make things happen for myself instead of always just staying back and shyly accepting others'
compliments. If I believed them myself then I would have done that, but the rest of me says that people lie and they always seen to want to lie to me to give me false hope that I am something special. All I know for sure is that my stepdad is a beetle, I am quickly losing motivation, and Amber's sister is dead. That's it! GOODNIGHT!
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| BREAKING NEWS!!! |
[22 Mar 2005|02:42am] |
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mood |
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 Disgusted/ turned on |
] |
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music |
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Gas rippling through my mom's bunghole |
] |
I just walked out into the kitchen at 2:30 in the morning and my mom farted.
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| I'm disgusting |
[17 Mar 2005|11:25pm] |
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mood |
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 I'm hideous. |
] |
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music |
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Til Tuesday - Voices Carry |
] |
I'm ugly and need a nose job (at least).
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| WOOT WOOT LATE NIGHT AND WRITING |
[02 Mar 2005|04:46am] |
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mood |
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drained |
] |
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music |
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Tegan and Sara- Come on |
] |
So, somehow after being drunk tonight I was meditative and came up with another GGGRRRRRTT poem to post. Hey, as long as I am writing, I really don't care if it's no better than feces, I am still excersizing my cranium!
Tuesdays
Tuesdays are made for poetry.
When pillows beckon those back to ruffled beds
and floors cool themselves to unwelcome the crashing of clumsy feet.
As Monday fumbles then conceeds, a new day tucks in
the last, darkening window panes and hushing eyelashes back to their jutting lovers.
Like Sunday's path, where dread flares and fizzles, Tuesday's blues huff and sigh to the
robin's crys at breaking day.
Time trickles down collasping chests, and tunnels through weary limbs to plant
the lull of dusty thunderstorms and the letup of tin roofs battling April's heartbreak.
Tuesdays are made for poetry that swells to the singe of sidewalk crossings
and folds to the mellowing buzz of dismal speckled nights that blanket city scapes.
Where moods are bent in the shape of the down-hearted and are kept until out of mind's gutters they are
cast to shores littered with mermaids' seaweed scales.
Tuesdays are made for poetry that slides down the tongue and drips to the chin,
and for Wednesday's early crickets that chrip of faint wonder for what Yesterday could have been.
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| Grrt Survey |
[01 Mar 2005|02:55am] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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Jamie Cullum- Blame It On My Youth |
] |
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| Writer's block broken?...Maybe or maybe not |
[01 Mar 2005|02:21am] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Tegan and Sara - Walking With A Ghost |
] |
So after a few months of not writing anything I finaly wrote tonight. I am not particularly fond on this poem, but I am not really fond of any of my poems at that. I am just glad that something came out tonight. Well I have no title for it yet, but that will come along later I suppose. I have a headache right now and just want to get this post over with.
Sad like midnight I find you,
With forest faces that cling and fall to the
roll of my tongue. Beneath pretty puddles,
we will meet and form at the drop of each ripple,
until the calm resonates all the way to the very tips of my toes.
I can set us a sky and borrow some tree tops that sparkle with wings painted white,
or if dawn chases us from bungalow to stream I'll nudge it with my nose and color it black so it loses it's way. We can go barefoot, with fallen acrons looped around our necks, and sticky nectar on our lips to make kissing that much sweeter. And when they call us stupid or childish we can pin pink lilies in their hair and waltz them to the edge, because the busy meadow has blown its horn and our clothes look better belonging to the earth under the willow's laments. But if the nature begs us go so it may sleep in solitude then we'll tip-toe out with waving hands and curled magnolias nestled behind our ears. We are crazy and free and the moon just a skip away. We are young and alive and tonight the yellow glow looks too lovely dozing on your cheeks to be left for space alone.
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| The Castle Cancelled |
[11 Feb 2005|11:18am] |
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mood |
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cold |
] |
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music |
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Annie- Chewing Gum (cum) |
] |
Last night though disappointing was equally as entertaining. The original plan was to go to The Castle, and that continued to stay the plan until Ryan became overly angered at remarks Amber was giving him in the car and drove all the way back after we were half way there. It sucked so bad. Amber was furious, Ryan was venting his anger by laying on his horn to some Cadillac that I'm sure niggers owned, since they were following us with evil intent, until of course Ryan gave it some gas and lost them. It was about 12:40AM when we got back to Amber's house and we were just going to take Amber's car and have fun dancing the night away, BUT big papa Kervahn had to awake and take Amber's keys because she was emotional. So here we are, all dressed up, money already invested in buying alcohol with no chance of following through with out beginning intentions. We weren't just going to let those Sparks slowly lose their cool so we drank and drank and turned out frustration into the perfect time to get out all the grief and confusion that the previous two weeks had given us. The best thing about the conversation was that it wasn't all negative. There were moments of sadness and questioning, but Amber and Linda were able to keep a cheery disposition, though I'm sure the alcohol had an influence on that. Amber and I were curled up in a blanket and kept warm while her mom reflected on her father and how he was a good smaritan. I think it drew everyone closer together. I would give up any day of going to The Castle to enjoy the company of Amber and her mom the way I did last night, and that is the truth. When Linda was driving me home at about 5 in the morning she put on Shania Twain and ask if I knew/liked her music. Little did she know I just happened to go through a country phase in the ninth grade and knew most all of the lyrics. Driving, singing Shania with Amber's mom was nice. She started crying a little and as I got out of the car she put her hand on mine and thanked me for being Amber's friend. It felt great knowing that it meant so much to her that Amber and I are friends.
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| grrt |
[06 Feb 2005|08:55am] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
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music |
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"The ggrrt is mine" - Brandy and Monica |
] |
GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT!
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| PORN FOR EVERYONE! |
[05 Feb 2005|02:37am] |
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mood |
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awake |
] |
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music |
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The sound of poop landing gracefully inside the toliet. |
] |
So me and Melissa just got done watching a 32 minute R kelly sex video. Let's just say it gave me reason to live. Seeing R Kelly pee on the underage girl not only gave me a stiffy, but also pulled Melissa and I together. The second video which was short yet entirely sweet was entitled "anal bi-sexual poop man." In it "poop man" engaged in some exhilerating shitting. I couldn't have asked for better.
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| My favorite Disney song...Amber's too |
[03 Feb 2005|05:28am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
] |
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music |
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Part of Your World- The Little Mermaid |
] |
All I can say is that I relate to this song, even though I have legs and live on land.
Artist: The Little Mermaid Lyrics
Song: Part Of Your World Lyrics
ARIEL
(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)
Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl(boy)
The girl(boy) who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's(he's) got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!
Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters(sons)
Bright young women(men) sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand
I'm ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world
We all want to be a part of something, am I not correct?
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| Paying respect. |
[03 Feb 2005|03:11am] |
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mood |
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morose |
] |
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music |
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Tegan and Sara- Our Trees |
] |
Today was rough. I attended Jalia Marie Kervahn's funeral with family and friends. It stirred up some old emotions that still lingered from when I went to my grandfather's funeral last summer. Losing a grandpa at 87 and losing a sister at the age of 24 are different. We all were expecting for him to pass on. He worked in the coal mines, used to smoke 2 packs a day and couldn't go a few hours without relaxing his lungs with his nebulizer. Jalia was still young. Her skin was free of wrinkles and liver spots, her walk wasn't plagued with a hunch from years of crouching over, and her family sure wasn't ready to see her leave. It was premature and if you are religious then pre-determined as well. If I ever lost a sibling, regardless of our multitude of petty tiffs and aches from tossing hurtful words to eachother out of anger, I would be devastated and utterly lost. They become a part of you, they take on the same characteristics of yourself. It's times like these that I wish I still possessed an ounch of faith to cling to. It is more comforting to believe that a loved one is waiting somewhere intangible to those still living, then to picture them forever out of touch. When I lived with my father I would pray every night. I would pray for my family to drift together just they had apart, and sadly enough pray that somehow I would be instilled with faith in the being that I was praying to. There are guidelines to being saved, and clearly I have overstepped such guidelines. It doesn't matter much to me anymore, I am happier being called immoral then salvaging morality at the expense of who I am. I am at peace even with death being at hand and questioning in play. Although at times I feel unloved and unwanted, I know deep down it's untrue. Seeing a funeral home packed with people wanting only to pay last respect to a woman they grew to love and appreciate is both somber and eye opening. All I can say is that I am ready to start living. Jalia may not have that chance anymore, but through her I am sure many people today have been given some enlightenment as to what they are set here for and why keeping your heart at beat is more than just a burdensome task. I can't keep seeing people come and go, it hurts too much and I don't want to be one of those persons who leaves when in their prime. Nothing is waiting for me, and as scary as that may be, it just gives me more incentive to quicken my pace in the direction life was meant to push me.
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| Back to life. |
[01 Feb 2005|08:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Fiona Apple- Limp |
] |
Fuck you
Fuck your relationship
Fuck your selfishness
Fuck your intentions
Fuck your lies
Fuck your false attraction
Fuck your feelings
Fuck your annoying ass "I love yous"
Fuck your stupidity
Fuck your hollow sincerity
Fuck your incentive
Fuck your emotions
Fuck your happiness
Fuck your phone calls
Basically go fuck yourself!
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my_derringdo's journal
